I am in love with the picture on the top of the page, but I cannot decide on a theme for this blog. I know it is a silly detail, but back when I used to have a livejournal I loved having customized themes and fancy-pants type customizations on my journal.. but I haven't quite figured out Blogger yet.
In other news-- I have followers! I'm totally psyched! Thank yooou!
The last couple days I've been extremely out of sorts emotionally-- it feels like someone hit me in a frying pan and I woke up back in the first trimester!! HEY-LEMME OUT OF HERE! I went through this already!!
Thankfully, Matt has been a great help! Yesterday, Matt texted me before he got out of work and said he would be home on time. I did a happy dance, and then went to lay down in bed to wait for him...Forty five minutes later, I'm starting at the ceiling and getting hysterical. After an hour, I'm convinced his dead and I'm going to be a single mom to two children.... After Matt came home, it took him forever to calm me down. I have no idea where that sort of paranoid-feeling came from... but I DID NOT want to be alone!
When I calmed down enough to stop sobbing, I crept into Brennan's room and picked him up. I snuggled him on the couch until he woke up, and then he lounged in my arms for a while. He started playing, and I just-- I don't know-- really needed to see him happy and playing. He completes me-- there's no question about that!
One of Matt's frequent "jokes" is how I've only ended up with one kid so far (Gee- thanks hon!) and I just tell him: "Brennan was waiting for me." I couldn't have had any other kids but Brennan, because he knew he had to come first. Brennan came into my life at a time when I struggling... and Brennan made me who I am today-- I found strength to fight on, and live, and give up on my hopes, dreams, and pursue new paths because of him.
The last poem I tried to write was when I was pregnant with Brennan was called "A Little Beating Heart" but I could never find the words to finish it, and so, it will likely never be finished. I can't even find a draft of it on my old journal, or on the computer. Even a half-finished version would be a nice addition to Brennan's baby book.
Brennan is an amazing little boy, he has such a great capacity to love, and sometimes I feel like I am experiencing life vicariously through him as he experiences things for the first time. That unhindered joy, and his big smile when you turn your head to see what he's doing and you catch his eye.
I'm sure all mothers say silly things about their babies. It's what we do best.